Sunday, February 15, 2009

6 Worthless items of clothing

OK, everyone and their dog/cat is making lists. Rather then informing you of how my thought process works I thought I would convey my true feelings about certain so called articles of clothing that I think have no business in any one's closet. Closet space is somewhat scarce at the Stewart household, especially with 3 girls and Matt on his mission. The boy was a clothes whore! Here is my list:

1. Got to be shawls! A shawl is just a substitute for a blanket and most of the time its not even a full blanket its one with holes in it for what? Ventilation? If the idea is to keep warm why try and do it with something that lets the cold air through. No this article is for old people to use so that people don't confuse them with the homeless. Just get your favorite blanket out and tell people you are cold.

2. Scarfs are the next to go. What a waste of material. A muffler serves a purpose, so does a bib, they protect and serve. A scarf is a whimsical piece of cloth that blocks nothing and does nothing more then call attention to your neck which leads to your face and acts as the big neon sign point to you as if to say "look at me now". The fact that scarves are most often used as a murder weapon by serial killers indicates that this choice of clothing does not belong in the well balanced persons wardrobe.

3. Mittens. OK the biggest difference between us and the apes is the fact that we have opposable thumbs that allow us to grasp objects. Why then do we invent a hand covering that restricts this motion. Might as well get woolen bags and place them over each hand for as much good it does. Maybe it might serve a purpose if all you have to do is pack snowballs together but if you actually need to hold something these things are useless. And then there is the string thing that ties them together so you don't lose one, yeah that doesn't constrict you in any way. Get a good pair of gloves and leave the mittens for cat toys.

4. Leather pants. I know the first thing is that they are made for bikers. Have you really seen any true bikers? Not just the guys who take their "cycles" out once a year to drive to the bar and back, true riders of the motorcycle. They wear chaps so that they can take them on and off, similar to cowboys of the old west. Leather pants are not comfortable, they stain easily and unless you like to be chaffed between the legs are not of any use where you might actually need to move. Leather pants don't breathe and they absorb all of your sweat and smell so they really can get ripe after a few uses. Hey anyone smell a cow lately? That's what they are stuck wearing. Leather pants should have a one use then dispose of policy, what use that is I haven't found. The only ones that they look good on are wannabe stripper/pole models that have the appropriate proportions to pull it off. Even they don't want to have them on for long periods of time. I could also include the knee high boot in this category but I've been told that if you were wading through a jungle they would come in handy. Like that happens enough to justify the space.

5. Visors. Explain to me the value of a visor? Its when you want to shade your eyes like a ball cap but want the top of your head to be scorched by the sun. Maybe its a training device to break people into using the hat. For non-committed people that want to go slow. It leaves the same marks in hair as any other hat so what purpose does it serve?

6. Half tee-shirts never had a place anywhere. Same with tank tops, tube tops and the like. Why pay for portions of a shirt, pony up and buy the entire thing. There is a tiny portion of the universe that can actually wear those things but unfortunately there are so many others that try to and its just not working. They should have licenses for these type of coverings that people would have to have in order to purchase and wear. Men with skinny arms and no shoulders should not wear a wife beater tee shirt unless it is covered up. If we want to see that type of bone structure we'll go to the supermarket and watch the butcher cut up the poultry.

If we were to eliminate this waste from our closets think of our space that would be saved, that could be used to store more important items that are closer to our hearts!


Allred Family said...

I loved reading that post, way TOO funny and so TRUE!!!!! I guess it's time to clean out our closets......We could really use more shoe space :)

Lindsay said...

I agree with you on pretty much everything--especially number 6--except for scarves. I LOVE them. Probably because a) they're the only thing I can knit b) they look SO classy paired with a pea coat and c) I like it when people stare at my face. Okay, maybe not...